Thursday, January 22, 2009

rewrite 1

The Real Childhood
Nowadays,more and more children are wasting their time on computer games and video games, and when they grow up, they will notice that that time isn't a real wonderful childhood
When I was a child, I often wayched TV.Then my father came and told to me I was wasting the time,I was losing my childhood.
Now I am looking forward to listening to my father talk about his childhood.At that time,he spent time on the farm helped with my grandfather or played with baby sheep.He breathed the fresh air and drank from the mountain spring,but now I can't do those things because the air populltion becomes worse and the water is not clean either.
In the evening ny father and his friends lay down on the top of the small hill,they sang a song,felt the cool wind and smelt the grass and trees.....
As for me,I cando none of them, the only thing I can do is play the computer. I chat with my friends on the internet. We are far way from the nature. It's really bad for the children's health. This childhood is not what we want,but it never comes back.
I think when I become a father and I talk about my childhhood to my son.I only could say:"an ipod,a computer and some internet friends is what I had in my childhood

3 comments:

Vibrance said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vibrance said...

Also, please add more information to your profile.
Thanks!

Vibrance said...

Terry – Good job with your corrections. You still have a lot of spelling errors and typos. It is a good idea to type things in MICROSOFT WORD first so that you can check your spelling. Then copy and paste it into your post.

Some more grammar notes:
-Remember to put a space after every comma and after every period.
- “the air pollution becomes” –Should be “HAS BECOME”
- “As for me, I can do none of them. The only thing I can do is play the computer OR chat with my friends on the internet.” This is how these sentences should have been connected.
- I think when I become a father and I talk about my childhood to my son. I only could say…” The first sentence is incomplete. It needs to be connected to the second sentence with a comma to complete the idea of what you will do WHEN… Also this is future, so you should say, “I only WILL BE ABLE to say…”